Marriage Decoded (kinda)
Everything happened super fast, by the end of 2012, we were closing our first year of dating, and already engaged, but Annie had to leave Peru to come to the States for her new job. We did not plan to live our engagement apart, however as wise as she only is, before leaving she shared with me her copy of: His Needs Her Needs, Building an Affair-proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. Since that day, this book is my manual to understand her, our relationship and myself.
A cover revels how much used the book was.
We live in a society where as a joke we say that marriage is scary and that understanding our partner is one of the most complicated things in life almost at the same level as quantum mechanics and time travel. Don’t get me wrong, it makes sense. Pretending that in a couple of years you would comprehend the whole universe that your spouse is, well, it is just naive. We don’t even understand ourselves, and it takes us a life to do it. That’s why discovering the core needs for Him and Her, and how each one builds onto the other was mind blowing to me, it makes so much sense.
His Needs:
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Companionship
An Attractive Spouse
Domestic Support
Admiration
Her Needs:
Affection
Conversation
Honesty and Openness
Financial Support
Family Commitment
To be sincere, in this age of humanity, the pattern is that there is none. And yes words like Domestic Support or Attractive Spouse, or Financial Support might upset us or even indignante us. But be open to the concepts behind them.
Three basic rules to decode:
His Needs are Not Hers: However they sprout one from the other, when someone receives Affection the natural next step is to provide Sexual Fulfillment. When Conversation is practiced, Recreational Companionship is easier to come. Honesty and Openness could lead to help the partner to feel appreciated and even more attractive to the other person. Again, His needs are not Hers, but they need each other.
Relationships are like piggy banks: Each person has an Emotional Bank Account, where daily there are deposit and withdrawals. It is a constant flow, where the key is balance. There are times where we fill that we put much of ourselves in a relationship, and it’s simply because we haven’t received Emotional “deposits”, and if we keep taking from our account, as physics says: You can’t give what you don’t have. Now better earlier than ever, it is good to talk with your spouse/partner and present your needs. At the end you both are in this together.
“Relationships Need Two Things: Balls and Will”
The tides of marriage: Husband and wife, each partner of the relationship, are not in the same boat when it comes to marriage, no. They are together, but each one in their own tiny kayak. We may aim to the same destination, and goals, but each one push forward by themself. Constant communication is the hidden key to not drift apart from the other. It doesn’t happen instantly, one starts slowly drifting away from the partner until the space is too big. Don’t assume that because you are married you don’t need to express your fears, dreams, anxieties, challenges and more. It is because you are married that you help each other to go forward in life.
If you can, give it a try to the book. I will keep recommending it to new and/or stablished marriages. It is the best gift I can give to them. I believe that we are here to be happy, no one should go through a sad-life drowning relationship. Do what you can and what you can’t to keep growing with each other.
As for me, I know I’ll never get to grasp how amazing Annie is, but that is the journey of love, the ride, more than the destination.