Bedtime

I had a hard time putting Kai down tonight. Not because he wouldn’t fall asleep. He fell asleep during his bottle. Or because he wouldn’t let me put him in his crib, because he was zonked out and didn’t even notice.

But despite the chores awaiting me, the textbooks to be read, the tv to be watched, and the food to be eaten, I couldn’t move. I just kept rocking. A few minutes turned into an hour, and I had no desire to be anywhere else.

This feeling reminds me of Kai’s first night in our family. He was only a few hours old, as tired as could be. Well, both of us were actually. All he could do was sleep and all I could do was stare at him. My hormones were high and my pain meds hadn’t worn off yet. I knew, logically, that I should sleep, because I needed it, especially after 56 hours of labor. But I stayed up all night, staring at him, touching his hands, kissing his forehead. He just felt like such a part of me. It just didn’t make sense to put him down.

And so here I rock. Remembering the good times, acknowledging the bad, and wondering about the future. All I know is that I’m still just on the first page of “I’ll Love You Forever.”

Future Daniel here, this photo is from December 3, 2022