The dream I never had

It’s not that I thought I would never have kids but much like marriage I assumed it would happen but I didn’t find myself envisioning what it would be like. If I did find myself thanking about that future I was more worried and scared than excited.

For marriage I was afraid that I would have to be someone different, a wife, someone who is serious, logical, grown-up. I was afraid that being married I would miss all those sweet moments that I really felt like myself. After all, a married woman probably shouldn’t do all the goofy things that I do. And so if I envisioned my future being a wife or a mother I saw a person that wasn’t me. So I’ve never dreamed of what it would be like to have a child.

But what I found recently is that there are these moments that are so simple, so special it feels like a dream I’ve had in my heart for longer than I can remember. This week it was washing dishes while dancing salsa and trying to step around my son who was crawling all around the floor playing with the Tupperware lids he had pulled out of the drawers.

Maybe parts of these moments are things I’ve seen in movies or memories from my childhood but in those moments I feel a combination of all the things in my life that have made me happy. I feel the joy and pure happiness of going out with friends in college to dance and celebrate life. I remember the many ways I would keep myself entertained while doing chores living by myself in other countries.

I don’t know if I was meant to be a mom. But I do know that I was meant to be Kai’s mom.